June 7, 2019

the glitter sparkle interview

I had prepared for almost everything.  Name three strengths and three weaknesses.  Why do you want this positionWhat assets would you bring to it?  But stupidly, I forgot to prepare an answer for one question, one that they always ask in a job interview.

"Assume you were working with a difficult co-worker, someone you didn't like, someone who didn't like you, but you had to work with them closely anyway.  How would you deal with that?"

I probably would have handled the question better if I hadn't been half-stoned.  I was on a pain pill that day, for reasons unrelated to the interview, combined with an anxiolytic that was related to the interview, and everything was cosmic peace and unicorn-fart rainbow glitter in my brain.  It beat the hell out of finger-wringing nervousness and square breathing, but I doubt it served me during the actual critical hour of making an impression and providing shrewd, stellar, knock-'em-out answers.

I also would have handled the question better if I wasn't in that exact situation right now and more or less completely failing to cope with it.  It's been eating at me for a year.

"Fuck that, that's why I want this job.  I'm trying to run away from a situation exactly like that," I didn't say.

"It doesn't matter, we're all going to die anyway," I didn't say, though this was sound advice given by a friend.

"I break shit and throw things.  I blow things up.  I bend large metal objects over my knee.  I send co-workers invoices for wasting my time," I didn't say.

Instead I stood on the table and placed a hand over my heart, extended my other arm into the air, and waxed Shakespearean as I held forth about the virtues of self-control, one's inability to exert any control whatsoever on the world and the individuals around them, and the need for one to always look on the inside for the change they want to see, the resources they can harness to render such scenarios bearable and even, at times, positive.

At least, I said that stuff, sitting in my chair across from five scrutinizing stares.

At least, I think I said that stuff, through the glitter.

I wonder if they know you suck at that, said the glitter.

Later, I realized that even that was bullshit, because I'm super-experienced at it.  I deal with someone else difficult who is up in my life, who never leaves, who can walk into the room and bug the shit out of me and nearly incapacitate me with no warning.  I can't lock the door and I can't carve out a secret hiding place.  He's male.  I don't understand that.  The thing that lives in the back of my head that emerges in times of intense stress, pressure, pain, anything that triggers a desire to escape, is some asshole guy.  He walks around whispering of annihilation, and he is someone I don't like and someone who doesn't like me, and I have to work with him closely anyway.

How do I deal with that?  I just do, that's how.  I can do it.  I do do it.

"I've run away from toxic, corrosive people before, just to escape.  I've done it more than once.  I don't handle it worth a shit," I didn't say in the interview.

Don't tell them, said the glitter.

I am waiting for the call, to find out whether I got the job.

If you don't, you're trapped, says Asshole Guy.

I am waiting for the call, to find out whether I got the job.

Waiting sucks the greasy, smoking, lousy, boil-covered cock of Satan.  I do not like waiting.

1 comment:

  1. I hate those f..questions - especially the 'name three weakness' one. The other one that really gets my goat is 'We expect a flexible work schedule, so will you work overtime at short notice'?
    I've always answered that one with 'only if it's a true emergency, not because some twerp forgot to put a meeting into the joint calendar and not regularly - because if it's on a regular basis, you obviously need more staff and I expect to get paid for it'. - naturally, I didn't get those jobs - but under those circumstances I didn't want that job.

    I worked to live, not the other way around.

    Keeping everything crossed you get that job and can remove yourself from the current toxic situation - the extra money doesn't hurt either xxxxxxx

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