June 23, 2019

jesus hid my coffee cup

P.J. wiped her mouth with her napkin.  "I'm just saying that even though we've both been irritable lately and had a few spats, I think that most couples argue more than we do."

"Our arguments bother us more than their arguments bother them," I countered.

"Yeah, but while they get worked up over the other one blowing the bank account or leaving the gas tank on empty, we ... get worked up over more trivial things."

"Like eating your crackers upside-down."

P.J. stared at me.  "What did you say?"

"Like eating your crackers upside-down," I repeated.

"That is so weird because just the other day, I was thinking about crackers and how they always have one side that's saltier and just better than the other side, and I made a resolution to be sure to put the toppings on the bad side so I'll taste the good side first when I eat the cracker."

"Sounds dead reasonable to me.  Good thing you fixed that problem," I said, "otherwise I might have to get worked up."

"Glad we got that settled.  Where's my cup?" she asked.

"Your coffee cup or the other coffee cup or the stupid little demitasse or your Kool-Aid cup?"

"The not-coffee cup."

"It's over there, right under your nose."  I pointed.

P.J. grabbed it and walked over to the water dispenser.  "Jesus," she muttered.

"Why Jesus?  He had nothing to do with your cup."

"Well," she said, "He's with me always, isn't He?  So He should be helping me find my cup."

"Just because He's always with you doesn't mean He's helpful," I said.

"What, you think He just follows me around and laughs at all the stupid shit I do?  Or plays pranks?"

"Maybe."

"Huh," she mused.  "Probably just stands there scratching His balls."

"I really wish you hadn't said that," I moaned.  "Jesus' balls.  Great."

She stopped and had a thinky-face.  "Wait, as a product of an immaculate conception, why did Jesus even have balls?"

"Of course He had balls!  Why wouldn't He have balls?" I exclaimed as I hunted around the kitchen for my coffee cup.

"Well, I mean, procreation wasn't part of the divine plan, now, was it?" she asked.

"I don't know!  But it's DNA and shit.  He had balls."

"Look, if you don't believe in the Holy Spirit, then it was obviously parthogenesis, so where would the balls even come from?  There would be no Y chromosome."

"But do you know how fucking rare a male gamete is in that scenario?" I yelled.  "Look, the odds are fairly high that Jesus had balls, even if He didn't use them.  Okay?"

"Your coffee cup is right there, behind the cutting board," she said quietly.

"Oh."  I snatched up my cup.  "Anyway, yeah, we're lucky we don't fight over anything really serious."

9 comments:

  1. I love your arguments:- 'Jesus balls', who said he didn't use them? - the mere lack of information doesn't indicate whether 1. he didn't have reproduction assets or 2. utilised said assets.

    The only information that appears to be agreed on is that Mary didn't have the fun of a good fuck prior to the irritation of being preggers and the birthing process. Although, having done both, the fuck can be overrated.

    Absolutely agree with the pair of you, one side of the cracker is much tastier than the other and I always eat it upside down, and if I'm putting anything on them, it always goes on the boring side.

    Pam is correct, if you were an 'ordinary' couple, you'd still be fighting about the Grizzly Knicker producing Monster.

    p.s. I had to look up parthenogenesis - so even now you're educating me :) I didn't know that's what it was called :p

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  2. Medieval art (I love medieval art) often portrays Jesus as dead, with a huge corpse boner. Because Medieval people saw a lot of death, and they knew about corpse boners. And this was their way of saying, "See? Jesus was one of us. Even HE had a corpse boner."
    I hope that answers your question.

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  3. The Jesus with you always site! WHAT IS THIS. At first I looked at the Soldier one in thumbnail and thought he was slapping him like that Batman meme. Then I saw the Juggler one. ...yeah

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  4. It's nightmare fuel. The ones that have been memed are solid gold. The secretary ... "Hey, delete System32, it'll make your computer run faster." "Fuck off, Jesus."

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  5. Why is it that I can't stop seeing Jesus's balls now? My eyes...they burn! I'm going to hell now, aren't I? LOL. Mona

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    1. Well, according to SOME people *ahem* they might not be there, so whatever you're seeing isn't real. Like, Schrodinger's balls, but on Jesus, except not. Does that help? Yeah, I didn't think so.

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  6. Lille,
    Oh, also, guess what? I just nominated you for The Sunshine Blogger Award! Yay! You can get the details by going here: https://www.waywardsparkles.com/sunshine-blogger-award/ *Big hugs* Mona

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