April 3, 2019

of course you realize this means war

Signs have begun to appear in my workplace.  They are, in the truest sense, positively wretched.  Index card-sized refrigerator magnets, cards taped to the bathroom mirror, small posters hung outside cubicles ... someone has mounted a campaign with its inception some time last week, and I feel rising up in me the clarion call to fight back.

I'm trying to decide what it says about me, this desire to sneak around and rip the offensive signs to shreds and aggressively dispose of them.

"SHINE YOUR LIGHT IN THE WORLD!"

"BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD!"

"THERE IS NO ONE JUST LIKE YOU!"

"SPREAD HAPPINESS AND JOY!"


Seriously - these are real and they're appearing all over the place.  Some of them have flowers.

I'm offended by insincere (I hope) bullshit like that, preferring despair.com posters instead ... yet I walk to the back of a parking lot and retrieve a wayward cart because I don't think the store employee should have to put up with some lazy asshole's disrespect for life.  I pick up garbage I didn't put there.  I smile at people.

Then when I see a plaque that says "HAVE A BLESSED DAY!" I want to destroy it and replace it with "HAVE A DAY".

Who is putting this stuff up?  I need to catch the culprit in the act so I can find his or her lunch in the community refrigerator and put squeezie-bottle garlic mayonnaise all over it.  Barring that, I need to buy some 1980's vintage Mr. Yuk Is Green stickers and go a-decorating.

Because I'm going to be the change I want to see in the world.


p.s. This reminds me so much of Becky's sister's teddy bear angel.  Don't follow the link if you're generally offended by photos of testicles.

4 comments:

  1. Good Grief - kill them, kill 'em all with extreme menace.

    In the meantime - maybe...make your own stickers?
    "Demons are alive and well and working in my office"
    "I don't believe in imaginary friends"
    "The Goddess doesn't require you to do anything - but laughing occasionally is good for you"
    "Feel good stickers are the work of the Devil"
    "The greatest trick the Devil has played against humans, is to make them think he doesn't exist"
    or perhaps just "SNERK"
    and finally (maybe...)
    "Talking to anyone in a bathroom cubical is fucking rude. Talking about work in a bathroom cubical requires the person being talked at to shove your head into the toilet and flush"

    I realise that last one is a tad long - but might actually get the point across that it's flippin' weird to talk to anyone when they're pissing or contemplating their navel in the Beg Pardon.

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    Replies
    1. Caveat:- unless you've run out of toilet paper - that is the only possible time it is appropriate to speak in a toilet cubicle - the 'is there any toilet paper in your cubicle?' is marginally acceptable.

      (Though, personally I don't do it, 'cause of the yuck factor, I'd rather hope that I remembered to put tissues in my pocket that morning - and if that isn't the case - going commando for the day isn't the worst idea)

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    2. I think a scrolling marquee with flashing LEDs is in order for the last one.

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  2. Sounds like a golden opportunity for a passive-aggressive office post-it war, hahaha

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