January 17, 2019

square clouds

I told Therapist Gumby earlier this week that I can feel the swing down into depression coming.  There are little portents.  Not many, but the one I've noticed this week is how I keep drifting onto memories of times when I did something stupid or wrong and was humiliated.  Like the time Kate came to play in my city and I was the host, and almost nobody showed up in spite of my canvassing the city with posters and submitting radio announcements to our NPR station and e-mailing the shit out of everybody.  And because that wasn't bad enough, I was cleaning up the main room afterward and Kate witnessed me rush and trip over the edge of a rug and stumble and drop the table I was trying to carry.

Just little things like that.  My brain likes to remind me.  You did that.  That happened.  That's you.

Sometimes I escape into Minecraft.  I started playing it when my son was much younger and it was suited for his age.  Now he's pimping in Grand Theft Auto V and leading open-server sieges in a virtual world.  I'm still looking for sand biome villages so I can trade coal and wheat and iron ingots.

If you're not familiar with the look and feel of Minecraft (many are turned off by the intentional pixelation), it has a day and night cycle as part of the play.  As the rectangular sun moves across the sky and grows large and orange and begins to set in the west, the square and rectangular patchy clouds drift in the same direction, and the sky begins to darken.  You can watch it wash over the sky in sheets, a line moving across the sky, a tiny shade darker, then another shade darker, until at last little square stars begin to appear everywhere.  The blue becomes black a little at a time.

That's what these humiliation-memories are like.  They come in waves, just before the night voices.


  1. Lille,
    There's something about this post, the humiliation-memories, that reminds me of something that I studied in school and that I think is highly interesting and I want to learn more about. You're a savvy person, so you may have already heard of "default network mode." If not, a very sketchy and simplistic explanation is that -- it's what one's mind does when one it's not actively focused on a goal-oriented task. In other words, it's what your brain does when your mind wanders -- what thoughts does it have when you aren't focused? Are they more positive thoughts or more negative thoughts? That sort of thing. So, I don't want to try and get into too much about it because I don't know enough to really do that. If you already know about this stuff, then just disregard what I'm writing. However, if you don't, you might want to do some research on it just to see if it's even worth researching even a little more or even worth a discussion with your therapist. I know I sound a little vague and bullshitty right now, but it just might be something you find worth looking into. Anyway, your writing, as always, is amazing, especially in explaining what you are experiencing and the visuals you create with the word, I'm blown away. I'm sorry to hear you're starting to feel yourself move in a direction in which you struggle. I extend my hand however many miles it is between us. I'm thinking about you as you face down this potential swing into depression and I'm sending hugs and love your way! BTW, I'm still working on a response to your emails, of which I so much appreciated! Also, I got your voicemail and I thought maybe I could call you back sometime this weekend so we could talk if that's okay. Is there a good time for you? I'm so sorry I missed your call. But I love playing your voicemail back and hearing your voice. I hope that doesn't sound too creepy, but you've just been so amazing, especially this past week! Your generosity and kindness has been sunshine in my days of depression as I struggle to get out of the pit! Anyway, I'm working hard and each day this week has felt a bit lighter. Again, I'm so glad you called and I'm looking forward to talking with you soon. Mona

    1. You just made me have one of those big goofy grins that you can't help having, for, like, a whole minute.