January 5, 2019

omg this sounds so yummy

Four full days and nothing has come to me to write.  I've been reading instead ... Unbroken at my son's insistence ... he's been at me to read this since they read it in English class two years ago, his eighth-grade year.  I've been surviving in a raft in the middle of the Pacific, with only rain water and irrational hope in my possession.  Even now, all is quiet.

Below is a post I began earlier as a draft.  I will finish it, and then finally take down our Christmas decorations.  They've lingered not so much out of observing the Twelve Days as an artifact of both bustle and apathy.


Washing Your Dog (Double-Batch Recipe)

Prep Time:  2m
Cook Time:  6m
Clean-Up Time:  1h 30m

Ingredients:
Dog
Stack of worn-out towels that are now kept in a pile in the hall closet
The pet shampoo behind the towels in the closet
Clothing
Triple-antibiotic ointment
Bandages


Preparation:  Change clothes.  Grab junk towels from hall closet and pet shampoo from bathroom cabinet.  Place in bathroom where washing will occur.  Sneak and close pet door to prevent victim from escaping outdoors.  Call victim in a sweet, sing-song voice to attract her.  Gently remove collars and coax into bathroom with a treat.

Recipe:  Open shower door, ignoring victim's wariness.  Remove hand-held shower head and turn water on, adjusting to correct warmth.  Secure victim and drag against resistance toward shower.  Pick up victim, step into shower together.  Close door.  Hold door closed tightly as victim makes futile attempts to escape.

With free hand, use shower head to thoroughly wet victim until fur is fully saturated.  Still using free hand, attempt to pump shampoo in bottle onto victim's back.  Curse.  Hold bottle between your knees and unscrew the lid of the bottle while continuing to hold shower door closed.  Pour shampoo liberally onto victim, ignoring mauling of your lower extremities during continued attempts to escape.  Rub shampoo vigorously into victim's fur, paying careful attention to mud-crusted legs, while speaking in soothing tones.

Still using the shower head, engage in seemingly eternal task of rinsing victim with one hand.  Continue rinsing until there is no sign of shampoo.  Continue rinsing.  Continue rinsing more.

Turn off water.  Set shower head on floor of shower.  Employ Olympic-grade skill level to open door and simultaneous grab the largest of the junk towels.  Use three-quarters of a second at your disposal to throw the towel over the victim before she begins shaking water.  Fail.  Follow victim around bathroom, drying with towel when accessible.

Note:  You may notice a shampoo ring around mid-section in spite of thorough rinsing.  This is a sign that the victim was not rinsed long enough.

Clean-Up:  Use remaining junk towel(s) to wipe down water-sprayed walls, cabinet surfaces, and fixtures around bathroom.  Use additional towel(s) if necessary.  Spray walls of shower to remove fur.  Dispose of fur clump sitting on floor drain.  Use clean towel to dry legs.  Apply ointment to any actively bleeding wounds, using bandages if needed.  Mop floor with all soiled towels.  Carry towels to basement and begin load of laundry.  Find victim.  Remove heavily dampened duvet cover from bed and hurry to add to laundry load before agitation cycle begins.  Notice additional wounds on hands and apply supplemental ointment.*  Use paper towels to wipe off any walls throughout house that have received water spray from victim's vigorous shaking.

Allow victim to dry completely before releasing her outdoors.

Observe mud-covered victim returning to house through dog door.  Dry towels while preventing victim's muddy contact with any surface.  Repeat steps above to make this recipe a double batch.

*Make note to purchase additional ointment.


There's nothing quite like the smell of freshly-washed wet dog filling the house!  So tempting!

4 comments:

  1. Oh, the visuals that are going through my mind! And the tears that are streaming down my face after reading this. 😂 One question - is it only one of your fur children that causes such chaos? I sure hope so.

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    1. Rose is docile and her slowness makes her easier to catch! No, it's the little thirty-pound hurricane of whom I write. LOL

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  2. Ooh, how delicious! Order up -- One freshly-washed dog! I think I might have mentioned that I'm not much of a cook, so we finally got Buddy up to the pet store for grooming (a bath and a nail clipping) and that lasted all of half a day before dog stank filled the air again. By the way, I'm thinking of renaming him Budapest. What do you think -- because I tend to just call him Bud and he is a pest. Just ask our cat, Birdie! Fun story/post! Mona

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    Replies
    1. *snngggh* Not much of a cook! heehee *ahem* Sorry. What is his actual name now? What is Buddy short for?

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