November 13, 2018

cramps like thundering hooves

Welcome to Target Downs, home of the world-famous Menstrual Cup!  It's a beautiful day, folks, and the sun has dried out the track, so after two days of delay because of the rain, everyone's here and beyond eager to see if they've bet on a winner.

And we see the jockeys lining up at the shopping carts, ready to race ... they've been ready for days and this is finally it ... everyone has high expectations this month - AAAAAAAAND THEY'RE OFF!

It looks like the leader right from the start is Crimson Tide, pulling alongside this season's display of new, cozy sweaters, to the right - but no, he's back into the fray in the center now! 

Wait, wait ... now Aunt Flo has veered left to take the curve, and she's grabbed a pair of fetching flannel pajama pants ... the jockey has grabbed them and is pushing her onward ... and now the sleek neck of Gushing Delight is out just ahead and he appears to be heading unexpectedly for the sale on the coffee aisle, folks ... he loses his lead as he stops to make a decision ... same for the creamer, and we can safely say that Gushing is out of it, and sorry to all of you who were betting he was a sure winner ....

... returning to the horses, we see Red Roof Inn round the bend to the toilet paper aisle, falling back quickly because of the overwhelming number of choices, which puts Shark Week clearly ahead and pulling forward ... we might have a winner folks, as the finish line isn't too far away, only a lap to go ...

But wait!  Shark Week veers right and takes it wide, completely ceding what was an incredible lead as he picks up protein cookies ... Crimson Tide is back in it but having difficulty pulling up ... and there's The Cotton Pony, with incredibly low odds, taking the lead! 

She's focused - wait, she's focused on the crotch swab and discreet diaper aisle and now she seems content to pull back ... Crimson Tide still not able to pull into the lead ahead of Raging Rag, who seems -- wait!  Raging Rag slows as they round left again and pass the makeup brush aisle!  Crimson Tide may be able to pull this one off, folks! 

And they're approaching the cash registers ... Strawberry Moon not favored but clearly with a chance ... folks betting on Strawberry Moon are white-knuckled ... the cash registers are near ... but Crimson Tide puts on a burst of speed and has a neck on her ....

... and it's over, folks!  Crimson Tide overcame incredible odds after what should have been a fatal mistake in the first lap and has won the Menstrual Cup!  We have a winner!  I repeat:  Crimson Tide wins the Menstrual Cup!

1 comment:

  1. Mr Justice CocklecarrotNovember 13, 2018 at 1:48 PM

    I had Raging Rag to win with Shark Week to place. Lost my shirt AND my wig. Alas, serves me right for wagering on the bleedin' ponies, eh?