November 19, 2018

back the hell away from my muffins

To the person who also enjoys Thomas' cranberry English muffins:  Fuck off.  I got there first.

It's a start.  And they're
Sometimes we look for ways to measure ourselves, who we are, how far we've come, whether we've changed as we've grown older.  For my part, I learned today that I care a lot less about what others think of me than I once did.  It used to be crippling, that need to be sure that everyone, everyone, approved.  I demonstrated my freedom from those chains today when I saw that Harris Teeter had stocked up on cranberry English muffins overnight.  I took them all.  Every last package.  I gathered them into my arms in a swoop of greedy exuberance and threw them into the cart.  There were none left on the shelf.

I usually care about others, the effect that what I do has on them, whether I'm being selfish, unkind, but those good qualities in a person are often set aside when addiction takes over.

Don't judge me if you haven't tried them.

I owe my ex a few bucks for something The Kid bought and he is accepting a package of these as currency.  That's how good they are.

The English muffins were flung into the cart and buried the apples, potatoes, onions, and herb stuffing.  They were joined shortly by heavy cream, cheese, butter, bacon to be cooked so the grease can be used for gravy, and also because bacon.  Neese's country sage sausage, used to make stuffing as God intended it to be.  Pepperidge Farm frozen crusty heroin rolls.

I said don't judge me.

When there was nothing else I could do to put it off, I reluctantly turned my cart and entered the baking goods aisle, which transported me into the zombie mob outside of The Winchester in Sean of the Dead.  Have you ever heard of caster sugar?  Neither had I.  I called P.J. and asked her if she'd meant to type "cane" and it had just auto-mangled it for her.  But it hadn't, and she said they probably didn't have it, and then damn if it wasn't right there in front of me, in a tiny bag and costing roughly the same per ounce as heroin (those crusty rolls are way cheaper), but apparently better than heroin because it's made out of cane sugar and angel tears.

As I pondered whether I could make more money growing vanilla beans than I do working in technology, I nabbed the items on my list, except for walnuts because that lady couldn't make up her mind which bag of pecan halves she wanted and stood there for a solid fifteen minutes trying to decide and I walked away before bad things happened to her and then I lay tackled on the ground and realized that I didn't remember the last thirty seconds.

We can always just put crumbled-up cranberry English muffin on the apple cake.

Update:  P.J. just wisely pointed out that in order to grow vanilla beans, which would indeed be highly lucrative, I'd have to live somewhere like Madagascar, where they have roaches three feet long with exoskeletons and also probably shivs and brass knuckles and opposable thumbs.  For this reason, I am opting to live on a more humble budget and continue in my current position.  If you need your computer fixed, let me know.


  1. Okay, now I need to find these muffins! Sounds like you've got everything you need for a delicious Thanksgiving meal! Enjoy, my friend!

  2. Will you be looking for a second freezer to contain the goodies in? I'm vaguely aware that an incredible amount of food is required to give thanks, but even you can't eat all those muffins before they start to go a little bit stale ;)

    1. I did clean out the freezer a bit to make room ... used the one-year rule, which really should not pertain to a freezer, but ... well, it was a good thing all around!

  3. Forgot to say - you can make castor sugar by blitzing ordinary sugar in a food processor or a coffee grinder (or something else that has sharp blades) until it's got a much smaller grain, but not until it becomes confectionary sugar (what we call icing sugar). Which, for you, would be considerably cheaper. Here, the price difference isn't so obvious.