October 7, 2018

juicy brutus the transgender spider and the broom of doom

I think that's a terrific phrase for use as the title of a children's book.  It has the shock and gore factor that parents are always dismayed to find attracts their younger readers, and the wife of an old friend of mine now living in New England happens to be an illustrator.

This could work.  I could finally write a book.  A real book!  Let's see, how do you write a children's book?  I don't believe in dumbing down language too much, but I can try.  I just might suck lustily at this.  I know I need to shorten the title.


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Juicy Brutus and the Broom of Doom
by Lille Sparven
illustrated by J. B.

Brutus was a spider.  He was a special kind of spider called an Orb Weaver.

(turn page)

Orb Weavers are not small spiders.  They are large spiders.

(next page)

Orb Weavers like to come out and play in the autumn.  They hide until September.

(turn page)

Brutus came out of his hiding place one September and wove his web.

(next page)

Orb Weavers like Brutus build enormous webs.

(turn page)

Brutus searched and chose his favorite place to build a web.  He would build it across the front door of a house.

(next page)

Brutus built a large, magnificent web across the doorway of the house.  The web shone in the morning sun.  It helped him catch insects to eat.

(turn page)

Later that morning, a human opened the door and saw Brutus' splendid web.  The human could not escape the house because Brutus had blocked the way.

(next page)

The savage human used her Broom of Doom to knock down Brutus' beautiful web!  Oh, no!

(turn page)

Brutus chose a place to build another web.  This web would be even bigger and better than the first web.

(next page)

Brutus built his web across the doorway of the front porch.  His web was so big that it reached from the top of the arch to the front porch step.

(turn page)

That evening, the human used the Broom of Doom to destroy Brutus' second web!  How terrible!

(next page)

Brutus lowered himself on a long spinneret in front of the human's face.  He pleaded with the human.

(turn page)

"Please do not tear down my webs with your Broom of Doom," he begged.  "I need my web to catch food so I can lay my eggs for winter."

(next page)

The human could not hear Brutus' tiny voice.  The human was afraid of Brutus.  It made tiny whimpering noises.

(turn page)

Suddenly, the Broom of Doom swung around in a flash, and Brutus' spinneret was severed.  He fell to the floor of the porch.

(next page)

Before Brutus could run away on his long, quick legs, the Broom of Doom swatted him.  One!  Two!  Three! times, it swatted him.

(turn page)

It was a terrible broom.  Brutus was dead.  He was juicy.  He did not know he was juicy, because he was dead.  He did not know he lay in a puddle of his own bodily fluids.

(next page)

Brutus will never spin another web.  Poor Brutus.

THE END

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Hmm.  I think an editor would object to my use of higher-level vocabulary words and phrases such as "bodily fluids" and "arch" and "pleaded".  And maybe to the whole subject matter.  Which is a major fucking shame, because I want to see J.B.'s illustrations of the last two pages.

Remember how spiders are in love with me?  I think Brutus went out to find a self-help book about stalking, but it's the damnedest thing, because you can't find a book about stalking.  You can find plenty of self-help books about what to do if you're being stalked, but nothing to help you if you're the stalker.  I take exception to this, because I fall into the stalking category.  Maybe that's why I recognize it so well.  Brutus clearly couldn't take a hint, because he built two webs last weekend, too, and took a few broom hits from P.J.  So that's four webs in the same two spots.  Brutus just didn't know when to quit the invasive, unwelcome behavior.  Also, spiders can't read.

As for the Broom of Doom?  It's a cheap, plastic piece of shit that now has web and little dead spiders and egg sacs all tangled in the bottom of the bristles, and I'll be damned if I'm going to pull them out, so we should probably just bury it way out in the back of the property and pretend this never happened.

P.S.  P.J. thought I should explain the "transgender" thing since I don't allude to it at all.  I named the spider Brutus because we name everything and the names are always male.  But Brutus is was making an egg sac.  Because he has a right to.

3 comments:

  1. Love the book idea, with the illustrations - it'd be brilliant. However, I'd just like to mention that if you only bury the Broom of Doom, those egg sacs will hatch and you'll end up with a lot of Brutui, (Brutuses) next year. Perhaps an application of fire first?

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  2. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cDfqwHck2Qg

    ReplyDelete