September 23, 2018

teddy bear surgery was absolutely necessary

... wherein I prove that I cannot, under any circumstances, resist fucking with things.  Not just electronics, but all things.  If it doesn't explode, spew aerosol poison, or play Captain and Tennille songs at me, I meddle.  Also, P.J. told me I shouldn't do this, so I did it.  I grabbed the teddy bear and my sewing box and a flashlight and performed forensic analysis.

(See previous post or this will sound really weird .... er.  Weirder.  But you'll also agree that it was absolutely necessary.)


Objective:  Confirm presence or absence of small, black, round object inside cranial cavity of teddy bear.

Procedure:  Used scissors to make incision along approximately one-third of the circumference of the nose.  Prepared needle and thread for eventual closure; set aside.  Utilized flashlight and right index finger to examine contents of cranial space, disturbing pieces of foam and paper stuffing during examination.

More Procedure:  Refused to acknowledge that it mattered that black object could not be found.  Poked at internal structure of left eye and found glue disintegrated and three [remaining] pieces of eye easy to remove and inspect.  Closely examined orange glass outer eye component and found no opening through which matter could escape.  Inspected inner metal brace and glue peg with identical results.  Decided physical impossibility did not constitute proof because anything can happen when glue is loose.  Grudgingly pursued science.

Science Part of Procedure:  Poked at right "good" eye as control and could not separate inner and outer pieces, glued together, even by prying with scissors and exhibiting significant determination.

"Oh Shit Now I've Messed Up My Childhood Teddy Bear" Post-Forensic Procedure:  With difficulty, re-assembled inner components of left eye.  Took bear to kitchen and obtained superglue from utility drawer.  Applied glue and clamped components for appropriate drying posture.  Sutures to follow.

Analysis Results:  Okay, the glue was loose, y'all, so obviously there's a piece that got out somehow because of that, even though I can't find it, but that doesn't mean it didn't slide down into one of the feet somewhere, because I had that teddy bear in active use for at least three more years after that fateful day, and it wouldn't have stayed in the head because that stuffing in there is beyond insubstantial and the neck is open inside to the torso.  I resisted the urge to do a full body incision to look.  I am going to glue and sew this little guy, who never had a name except Teddy Bear, back together, and then he'll be intact again and I will move forward with science on my side, choosing to believe that I did not hallucinate that memory.  I really never believed I did, but now I know I didn't.  Probably.

1 comment:

  1. Of course the offending object won't be in the head, it'll be in the toe somewhere. Think of putting your car keys carefully in the front section of your handbag and looking for them 10 seconds later and they'll have moved to another section, and buried themselves into a corner under a flap.

    This is exactly what will have happened with eye. I am afraid that nothing less than full removal of every bit of stuffing, and turning poor Teddy bear inside out will reveal the offending object. Having one eye perfectly glued doesn't not empirically prove that the other eye was also perfectly glued.

    So your course of action, in my opinion, of repairing Teddy after a courtesy search is the correct one.

    Give the Bear a hug.

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