October 14, 2018

now there's a sentence

I love my unsurpassedly weird and wonderful family.  Each time one of us has blurted out a sentence that has made us immediately follow with, "Shit, there's something I never thought I'd have to say," I've thought, "I have to start collecting these," and I've made a mental sticky note to write that one down.  Lots of mental sticky notes, in fact, most of which have peeled off and ended up under the mental refrigerator, so that some of the best stuff is lost in the non-annals of history.  I finally started recording them roughly a month ago.

All of these sentences had perfectly reasonable contexts, or at least you could stretch it to say that they might have made sense to a person if that person had been in the room at the time.  Many of the ones I said were also uttered during the hours following a dose of Tramadol, which kind of feels like cheating, because I'm on Tramadol right now for a nasty injury of my already-croggled neck, and so far today, I've been asking why there are all these frogs out there but we never see them.  P.J. just says, "I don't know, dear," a lot and lets my altered brain get on with its slow tumbling cartwheels through fields of muzziness and profound epiphanies.

Here's Round One of sentences we never thought we'd say.  I might provide the context for some of them later.  I remember it for about half of them.  Maybe half.

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"Are you certain you aren't looking at an e-mail from some other person who sent you pictures of egg timers?"

"It's hard work, rimming a raccoon."

"What!?  I'm not getting a tattoo of Jesus on my neck.  Fuck you!"

"Gahhh!  You bought the dog a butt plug!"

"Um, dear?  There's a pirate in the kitchen."

"Can we please never say 'the clowns are coming' ever again, ever?  Please?"

"The stop light does not look like a penis.  If I ever see a penis with corners, I will run screaming.  It's like the worst botched circumcision ever."

"The problem with calling her a turd-burglar is that, aside from the fact that term already means something completely different, she isn't taking someone else's turd, she's taking her own turd, and she can't steal from herself, so my issue isn't aesthetic so much as it is linguistic."

"So if any rich people get into Heaven, they had to go through the eye of that needle, so they have to look like spaghetti now.  Or Mercerized thread.  Do they get a spool?"

"And then there's the Venn diagram of how many Christians eat Cheerios."

"Yeah, you're right, she looks like the kind of woman who would carry a paint brush in her fanny pack."

"There, I freed you from the German disco.  Happy now?"

"Do you think Bob would know if they're mermaids from the 1950s?  Wait, that's not Bob, that's Scott!  Where is Bob?  Scott doesn't know shit about mermaids."


I don't know what other households are like, but it's clear that P.J. and I will never run out of things to talk about, and I hope The Kid appreciates, or will come to appreciate, growing up in a delightfully twisted and strange environment.  Some of these, after all, were his sentences.

1 comment:

  1. The Jesus Tattoo and The Pirate - would absolutely love to know the background for those ones - knowing my luck, those will be some of the sentences you can't remember the context for. Frogs, even in a Tramadol haze, are perfectly understandable - something has to be feeding the snakes 👀

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