August 24, 2018

dear sir, madam, sir, sir, madam, madam, and sir

I appreciate that at this time, you are experiencing a supremely critical computer issue, one such as mankind has never before beheld, one that undisputedly takes precedence over all other technological needs plaguing your cohort, and that you need an immediate and satisfactory resolution; further, I am honored that you selected our help desk to visit in person to request competent, effective assistance with that life-or-death issue, such as your volume key not working, your e-mail signature font proving unsatisfactory, or your ignorance of the Caps Lock key and its effect on your password entry.

However, when visiting my cubicle, please consider the particulars of its appearance - to wit, a plate of leftover pizza, freshly reheated, accompanied by a packet of almonds, a protein shake, a napkin beside the keyboard, a laptop displaying a colorful and animated dragon game, a Minecraft window open on the main computer screen, and me chewing a mouthful of food while wearing ear buds - and, after concluding that I am, in all applicable senses, out to lunch, please choose to walk away and seek out another help desk agent in lieu of asking if I "have a moment" and forging ahead with an explanation of your issue, setting your laptop down beside my pizza, which was just microwaved and now has begun to get cold and chewy.

While I appear to be happy to help you and, indeed, even as my mere presence frightens your machine into submission and you rub your chin and say something like, "Huh, now it's not doing it," know that I have just kicked you in the balls / cunt (please select one) three times in my mind, and you now lie weeping on the floor at the feet of my imagination.

Thank you,

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