August 6, 2018

and on the second day, god made some other things

Like nitrile gloves, and grocery bags, and MSG.  Which is weird, because rumor has it there wasn't even Pangaea yet, and the Earth was more like Waterworld without the captivating plot.  But I'm not complaining, because I'm looking at all of these things and seeing that They Are Good.

It turns out Molly has the adorable puppy trait of coprophagia.  If you haven't encountered this word before, it basically means "eat shit and die", except without the dying part.

She brought in a foreign object last night and went under the dining table with it, which is what she does when she doesn't want me to take it away from her because usually it's a scrap of toy that a dog lost in our back yard in 1841, which is the last time anyone bothered to rake up leaves, and is therefore grotty and disgusting and has moss growing on it.  Her penchant for locating and excavating these things is remarkable.

So I crawled under the table for the four-hundredth time to get whatever it was away from her.  I held out my hand and commanded, "Drop!"  And she did, into my hand, and looked at me because I had taken away her toy, and her toy turned out to be a huge turd that was still warm.

I'm pretty sure that after I went outside and threw it into the next county, I boiled my hand.

The second time she brought one in, I did all of those things again and then burst into tears, and P.J. had to convince me that my life had not just been instantly reduced to eating, sleeping, breathing, and being a professional shit picker-upper.

Yeah, she said that, but right after that, I chose to walk around the yard with a huge glove and a double-lined plastic grocery bag and worked until I had a bag full of feces, bits of rotten toy, and pieces of household items that I knew would be found and eaten.  Then I gave Molly an entire box of dental chews so I could allow her to lick me again.

Meanwhile, P.J. was researching, and now we have lots of canned pineapple to mix in with the dogs' dinners and a vat of MSG powder on its way from Amazon to our doorstep.  These two things are said to act as a good behavioral deterrent because they make dog turds taste bad to dogs.  One vet site said it makes them taste metallic, but I quickly clicked away from that page and went somewhere else because how the fuck do they know that?

....... no, really.  How?

But ... but ... I don't look like a manipulative, coprophagic,
ADHD, world-destroying piss factory, do I?


  1. Turns out that our dog Buddy is very finicky for a dog. He even turns his nose up at catfood, gummy bears and potato chips! Still, he has the stinkiest farts ever! Go figure.

  2. Sometimes I wonder about the dog food that is mostly grain ... I hate shelling out the big bucks for the good stuff, but it makes a big Fart Difference in Rose. Choices, eh?

  3. I'll check that out! Thanks!