July 13, 2018

toy breeds make the most interesting squeaky toys

THE STANDARD DOG-POST CAVEAT:  We.  Love.  Dogs.  All dogs.  Except maybe chihuahuas.  But we'd never in a million years wish misfortune of any kind on chihuahuas or the dogs mentioned in this post.  The following writing concerns a social observation that, through creative license, contains humorous references employing massive hyperbole and shit we don't actually mean.  Much.  If you get offended, we're going to end up feeling badly about that and having to donate to the Save-A-Benightedly-Wretched-Chihuahua Foundation in your honor.  Please don't make us do that because we really, really don't like them.  Take this post with a salt lick.  Thank you.

Even those stuffing-free flat squirrel dog toys at the store have a squeaker.  Dogs love squeakers.

Chester's modus operandi was to immediately go, not for the throat, but for the squeaker.  He would locate it and remove it with surgical precision, then chew the hell out of it until it stopped squeaking, and there would lie the toy with a hole in it and a gummed-up round bit of plastic beside it.  He was so proud.  "Look what I did!  I made it dead because now it stopped squeaking!"

Rose has followed in his footsteps and does the very same thing, though she's not quite as good at it.  So I guess the presence of squeakers makes a dog think this is a dying animal with just a few gasping breaths left in it, and if they shake it vigorously for a while and then remove its squeaker, they are triumphant over their prey and can then have their way with it, removing the animal's polyester-wad innards and leaving those white puffy entrails all over the house, after which they clog up the vacuum and result in our having to walk around picking them up by hand.  They pack an amazing amount of stuffing into those toys.  They're the clown car of Poly-Fill.


One night at dinner, P.J. and I were pondering the question of old men and their tiny dogs.  It occurred to us that a Pomeranian would make a fabulous squeaky toy for a larger dog.

Me:  "If Rose had a Pomeranian to play with, she'd have that squeaker out in, like, five minutes flat."

P.J.:  *laughing, unable to talk*

Me:  "Seriously, and then she'd try to get the stuffing out and find out it's made of meat.  I mean, hello?  Best squeaky toy ever!"

P.J.:  *still laughing*

Me:  "I mean, do those little dogs that old men walk around squeak when you step on them?  They have to be squeaky toys.  Why else would they exist?  They're hardly even real dogs."

P.J.:  *totally done, shaking with laughter, head down on table, unaware some of her hair just got dipped in rĂ©moulade, doomed to have sore diaphragm the following morning*


Old men and their tiny dogs.  It might be a coincidence - but I don't think it is - that we keep encountering instances of old men walking or carrying - but mainly walking - tiny frou-frou dogs.  Maltese.  Yorkshire terrier.  Pomeranian.  Shih Tzu.  Miniature or teacup anything.  Any man at the town park and any man in our neighborhood, at home or at the Lodge, of an age ranging from recently-retired to elderly, has a toy dog.  And we are trying with all our might to understand this phenomenon.

The closest we can come is that post-retirement, having a dog is considered healthy because loneliness can become a towering part of life, even with a spouse and maybe kids who come to visit.  Having a pet can help alleviate this and introduces a second healthy aspect to life, which is the requirement to follow a regular routine.  The person is bound to the dog's needs and thus orders their life accordingly.  Benefits.

But why only men?  It should apply to women, too, but it's always men.  This is what we observe.  Why small dogs?  A Doberman would offer the same routine and companionship.

If we see a couple out walking a tiny dog, it's the man holding the leash, the man interacting with the dog.  You can tell it's his.

A Doberman doesn't require a man's protection, though, or afford an opportunity to display the tenderness once banned during the man's younger years, around a cohort that would question his masculinity.  Does all of that suddenly become acceptable?

We have questions.

And please don't worry, because when we decide to adopt again, the dog will not be a small dog.  We don't want to find out if Rose would think of it as a squeaky toy.

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