July 24, 2018

lille's acting out

Loser Bagel.
It's raining today, all day.  There are flash flood warnings.

I've been actively sabotaging myself for the past few days, mainly in a dietary sense, but psychologically, too.  I bought Lender's bagels at the grocery store, which is as flagrant a violation of balance as I can commit.  My bagel this morning clearly called me a loser, but I toasted it and ate it anyway.  With strawberry cream cheese.

My stomach is roiling from the introduction of espresso.  I actually threw out a cup of coffee last night.  This was unprecedented because it didn't even have a gnat in it.  I think my body is craving water and protein shakes and a self-defined three-day reset.  It can have two days.  After that, I'm going to IKEA and there will be meatballs.  That's non-negotiable.

In short, I started hitting things that are bad for me and Lille wants them all and doesn't want me to stop eating them and get back into balance again.

I hit a downward turn mood-wise yesterday afternoon, after waking up from a nap.  I am programmed to feel horribly guilty, useless, and shameful when I wake up from a nap.  That would be my sister's voice.  I told P.J. last night, "Wouldn't it be great if I could wake from a nap and stretch and say, 'That was a good nap.  Now I will get up and do some other things,' without this feeling?"  It isn't even a voice, really, just a feeling.  You can aim at a voice, counter it with positive, contradictory things, lessen its power.  A feeling is just ... there.  Like poison.

This isn't a crash, more a gentle dip, a difference I attribute to the taut safety net of the lithium.  Part of this is definitely coming from my taking the week off work, and instead of installing new bathroom floors and accomplishing household projects and doing All The Things, I've been mostly sitting and playing games on my laptop, writing, and struggling to get my steps in.  The lack of productivity makes me feel existentially void.

I also think Lille's pushing back against what's coming today, our appointment with Therapist Gumby, wherein we're planning to get down to business and tackle my sister (in what I wish was a literal sense because that would feel really awesome, especially if she scratched up that pretty, delicate face on the pavement) and the way she smacked me around as a child, a lot, for no reason other than her power over me and her hatred of me.  Okay, those are two pretty good reasons, from her vantage point, but Therapist Gumby thinks it might have have something to do with why I do this to myself.  You know, internalizing the abuser and all that.

I wish I could tell him that's ridiculous and of course there's no connection, because this is going to be really uncomfortable and I'm dreading it and Lille's freaking out about it, but I can't tell him that because I think he might be right.  Sometimes I fucking hate it when he's right.

I've actually become afraid of him again, which is obviously projection, which is a sign of how powerful all of this is, and we're going to be holding lit torches and exploring breezy passageways lined with crate after crate of very old, dry fireworks.

At the very, very least, it will be interesting.

So far, we have projection and internalization.  How many psycho-buzzwords can I lay on today?

I haven't even showered yet.  I'm trying to make the appointment time take as long as possible to get here through the deft application of denial.

Hey, there's a third word!

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