June 13, 2018

the stupid pointless death of pourable quiche

After this week's quest to obtain a perfectly normal carton of Pour-a-Quiche or Redi-Quiche proved fruitless - and we are speaking of my visiting four different stores, including Target, and stomping out of each one dejectedly so that it would make a manager ask me if there was something he or she could help me with and then I would say, "No, no, no one can help me," and leave without explaining anything - P.J. sent an inquiry to one of the companies:

"Dear Pour-a-Quiche:

Could you please advise if Pour A Quiche has been permanently discontinued?  Hope not... it's an excellent product, delicious and convenient. Thank you. P.J."

Their prompt reply:

"Yes, we have discontinued Pour A Quiche.  We will forward a suggestion to our Marketing Team that you would like us to bring that product back!
Misti, Consumer Affairs"

My commentary on this development:

"Dear Misti,

When will the tantalizing amateur shoot of you with the entire Marketing Team be available?  Or will that, too, be unavailable?  Also, do you draw the dot over the 'i' at the end of your name as a heart?  Is it in pink?  Thank you.

Sincerely, Concerned Customer"

I'm a little angry here.

P.J. likes quiche because we use pourable quiche because - and this is the clencher - pourable quiche from a carton doesn't taste like eggs.  P.J. loathes eggs but will eat this quiche.  It's damned tasty and turns out perfectly fluffy and uniform, and also the amount of work involves taking a frozen pie crust out of the freezer and pouring this into it, then shoving the lot into the oven for an hour.  The worst part is having to remember to thaw it.  That's all.  It's the queen of easy meals.

Do not tell me to prep the mixture the night before or I will come to your house in the night and tie all of your shoe laces together and spit on one of your family's toothbrushes.  I won't tell you which one.

I think --

Wait, another thing:  Do not send me recipes about this quiche that you make that you totally swear doesn't taste like eggs because your kids will eat it and your husband said so and you posted it on Facebook and all of your friends loved it and liked your post using a heart instead of a thumbs-up.  I promise you it tastes like eggs.  Lots of eggs.  They just said that because they like you or love you or want to keep you appeased.  No offense.


This just follows the pattern of something disappearing from the store shelves simply because we like it.  I hear this is a universal phenomenon, which doesn't make sense because the store is obviously still full of things.  The peanut butter Captain Crunch left several years ago, but before that, there was this Blueberry Toast Crunch that was like Cinnamon Toast Crunch except they laced the flavor powder with blueberry cocaine and we would burn through a box of that shit in a day and a half.  That lasted about three months; then they stopped manufacturing it altogether, which was not the fault of the person at the Harris Teeter headquarters in Indian Trail, North Carolina who received my enthusiastic phone call.

And then there is the matter of the caffeinated Swiss Miss hot cocoa mix.  Honestly, ConAgra ... what the fuck?  Did you even see the second-hand market on eBay for that stuff after you yanked it from shelves?  And then how much Amazon was charging for a dozen boxes in bulk?  This should tell your marketing department something.  Get them to look into it after they finish with Misti.

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