June 19, 2018

the holy-shit diet (tm)

I've lost almost five pounds during my two-week implementation of the Holy-Shit Diet, the one you go on when you've got a doctor's appointment coming up and you know you're going to get weighed, and she's the one who is monitoring your long-term post-surgical weight maintenance.  I gained eight pounds since the last visit six months ago.  Sometime back in late April or early May - it's vague - I decided I had time to slough the spare six pounds and decided that yes, I should do that.  It completely failed to happen.  I gained two more instead.  I panicked last week and hit the keto lifestyle, paired with this StepBet gig, and it's paid off.  

So I'll go in Friday and she'll be all "way to go, you maintained perfectly" and I'll smile and say "yep" and that will be all that happens.  

I keep telling people that I'll go celebrate with a high-calorie, high-carb, decadent breakfast - like a country ham biscuit slathered in butter from Biscuitville - but now I'm not so sure I will.  I'm on a roll here.  And I'm tolerating those low-carb bagels that are sorcery contained within rice fiber.  They're good if you can rip the outer bits with your incisors.  My bread knife has difficulty slicing through them.  They're not ... natural.

I could write a book about the Holy-Shit Diet.  It could be the new fad.  The title is bound to piss off Christians.  

And if when you come off the diet, and you don't live in North Carolina, and you don't know about Biscuitville, your life is a little less rich for that.  It's like Tudor's Biscuit World in West Virginia.  When you dedicate a small restaurant chain to mastering Southern biscuit-making, the result melts in your mouth, every single time.

I'm tormenting myself.  Staaahhhhp.  I'm supposed to be focusing on low-carb "alternative" foods, because there are only so many eggs a person can eat.

Did you know you can make this stuff called bullet-proof coffee that uses a tablespoon of butter instead of creamer?  Don't laugh - it's undisputedly delectable and who doesn't want an excuse for drinking butter?  Yeah, okay, there's a lot more to it than butter, and I can't afford to keep grass-fed ghee and high-octane brain oil and shit like that around, but the principle is solid.  I like my Harris Teeter creamer, but it still has a bit of corn syrup in it.  High-fructose corn syrup is the bane of the American diet.

I've been using almond milk as my creamer.  The very idea of this once made me gag, but I did it out of desperation one day and found that it isn't bad at all.  Now I like it.  I also like a quart of heavy cream in my coffee, but that isn't Holy-Shit Diet conducive.  Stick with me here.  It will be in the book.

The paleo-friendly ProGranola you can get on Amazon ... it sounds good, but don't.  It's just odd.  You end up with a tiny bowl of Odd with some almond milk splashed on it, and you have to eat the Odd for breakfast.

Oh, except now they're making caffeinated coffee-flavored ProGranola.  Hmm.  I take it back.  I need to go online and get some of that right now.  P.J. and I ... no, wait.  Caffeine is a diuretic and I'm on lithium now and caffeinated granola on top of coffee is the last thing I need.  I'm using old thinking.  Well, fuck.  I don't take it back.  And it would still just be a caffeinated version of Odd.

A key component of the Holy-Shit Diet is staying busy.  Eating from boredom is one of my weaknesses.  The past two weeks have kept me busy enough to forget snacks, so that my caloric intake hasn't suffered.  Find something to do.  Anything.  Clean out your closet.  Replace light fixtures.  Wash your trash can.  Wash your light fixtures.

I'm going to make muesli, as soon as I can get my ass to a store that has seed bins and sells pumpkin seeds out of season and flax seeds and hemp hearts.  (What the hell are hemp hearts?)  It has coconut in it, so it has to be good.  P.J. says this is bird seed, and I remind her that I am a bird.

I'm going to feel dishonest in front of my doctor and knowing myself, I'll probably blab the whole Holy-Shit Diet thing.  P.J. points out that doing that will defeat the purpose of the entire endeavor, so why the fuck am I even doing it?  I say that's not the point at all, except it is the point, so I say, "Yes, dear," and change the subject.

P.J. is the sensible one in this enterprise.

I also know myself well enough to predict I probably won't stay on low-carb for long.  Carbs have a way of creeping in, like heroin.  Okay, heroin doesn't creep in, but you have to make a concerted effort to obtain it, and that's no different from the grocery store and the bagels they keep making half-price.  Hey, that can be a byline for my book, and a running theme for the Holy-Shit Diet:  "Go from Heroin to Heroine!"

But that's sexist.  And embarrassingly hokey.

No comments:

Post a Comment