June 26, 2018

the free air

'Now, lord,' said Gandalf, 'look out upon your land! Breathe the free air again!' ....

... Suddenly through a rent in the clouds behind them a shaft of sun stabbed down. The falling showers gleamed like silver, and far away the river glittered like a shimmering glass.

'It is not so dark here,' said Théoden.

- J. R. R. Tolkien, The Two Towers

I probe and prod.  It lived in the back, in a seedy neighborhood.  I search under rubble, in hovels and shacks with doors banging in the wind.  I check the back seat of the car.

It's gone.  The wind blows a tumbleweed down the abandoned sidewalk.  The wind brings a refreshing breath.

Even at the best of times, before the lithium, suicidal ideation maintained a tiny presence in my brain, in the back, where it quietly made its presence known through a small, persistent voice that whispered and couldn't be silenced.  It was like living with a mild itch, something easily but consciously ignored.

And sometimes, not so easily.

Sometimes, it roared.

It's gone.


  1. That is wonderful news! Good for you! I hope others who suffer find and/or lose what you have!
    (If that makes any sense.) Anyway, the world has been so full of bad news lately, and I am so glad to hear that you have this to share!


    1. Thanks, Mona! Hope in the face of all the darkness in here and out there feels really, really good.