June 25, 2018

p.j. always gets stuck holding the pissing baby raccoon

6:45 p.m.

I just shat in your planter.
P.J.:  "Why does this kind of shit always happen to us?  Why not the neighbors?  We have neighbors.  Why not them?"

Me:  "Because this is our lives.  Remember looking at puppies today?  Two cute puppies?  The Universe sent two baby raccoons instead.  It's that fucked-up sense of humor thing."

P.J.:  "Oh, yeah.  That.  Conservation of mass."

Me:  "The bacon turned out pretty good.  Crispy.  Want some more soup?"

5:58 p.m.

P.J.:  "HE FELL IN THE HOLE.  Oh my god, he fell in the fucking hole.  I moved them over there so they wouldn't fall in the hole.  Okay, so there's a smart one and a dumb one.  Darwin has spoken."

Me:  "It looks like an abandoned burrow.  Jesus, it's huge.  But he should be able to get out.  Hang on, let me look."

P.J.:  "Don't!  The ground is soft.  You're going to fall into the hole, too.  Stop!"

Me:  *carefully peering over the edge and feeling the ground start to slip under my Birks*  "Nah, part of it is slanted.  He can get out when he's ready.  If he could handle that bucket, he's fine."

P.J.:  "Would you get the fuck away from the hole?  There's a seriously pissed-off raccoon down in there that probably wants to eat your face now."

Me:  "Fine.  See?  I didn't fall in."  *omitting how close I came to falling in*



5:54 p.m.

Me:  "Holy shit, he's able to climb out of the bucket!  Even though it has slick sides.  Fuck, he got out."

The Kid:  "Here, use the cardboard!  The cardboard!"

Me:  "Get ... back ... in ... there ... got him!"

P.J.:  "This little guy is furious.  I've got a good hold on him.  Bring the bucket."

Other Baby Raccoon:  *hiss*  *chirp*  *growlllllllll*

P.J.:  "It's a really good thing he doesn't have teefers yet or I'd be in a world of pain.  Hurry up!"

Me:  *running with growling, hissing bucket*  "Did he eat the turkey?"

P.J.:  "A little, then I had to grab him so he wouldn't dart.  And he's pissing all over my gloves!"

Me:  "Okay, here, I'll move the cardboard ... put him in ... almost ... got him!"

The Kid:  "That is one bucket full of seriously pissed off raccoon.  'Two raccoons pissing in a bucket'.  It could be another Cards Against Humanity card."

Me:  "At least they've been finding water.  Obviously."

P.J.:  *mumbling*  "I don't see why I couldn't be the one holding the bucket."



5:51 p.m.

Me:  "Okay, I'll hold the bucket, and you put raccoons in it."

P.J.  "Wait, why do I have to be the one to put raccoons in the bucket?  Why can't I hold the bucket and you put raccoons in it?"

Me:  "Because you already have gloves on.  Duh."



5:44 p.m.

Me:  "Hey, kid, c'mere.  Shhhh, just be quiet.  Follow me."

The Kid:  "What the fuck?"

Me:  "Just come on.  It's worth it.  Nature moment.  Wait, grab a couple of slices of turkey first."

The Kid:  "No, really.  What the fuck?"

Me:  "And I need that really big orange bucket."



5:37 p.m.

P.J.:  *sets down hose she was using to rinse the soap off the car*  "They're small for raccoons, aren't they?  They're babies.  Older babies."

Me:  "Um, shouldn't they be running away?  Why aren't they scared of us?  Wait, is he ....?"

P.J.:  "Yep."

Me:  "Okay, he's taking a shit in our planter.  Fine.  Now he's coming over toward us instead.  Do you see them?  They look absolutely emaciated!"

P.J.:  "We can't feed them.  That's, like, Rule One with wild animals."

Me:  "Shit, what do we do?  Look at the other one, up on the porch railing.  He's actually trembling.  Jesus, he's terrified.  What should we do?"

P.J.:  "I guess we need to get them away from the house and into some woods.  They need to be able to forage.  I mean it, we can't give them food or we'll have two pet raccoons.  Hmm.  Woods across the street.  Let's put them in there."

Me:  "Yeah ... they look too old for wildlife rescue.  Wait, I'm going to get the kid.  He needs to see this."



5:32 p.m.

"Pssst!  Lille!  C'mere ... come outside, quick.  Two raccoons are up here by the house."


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