June 27, 2018

how to import an aardvark

Last month, I set about trying to import an aardvark.

I've seen things.
It began as a harmless search for an image of a plush aardvark to use with this post.  Except that I became enamored of the aardvark in the picture and the jokes factual accounts about my Lunesta aardvarks made me desire this particular plushie with a terrible desire, so I dug in and began the work of acquiring one.

Not just an aardvark.  That aardvark.

Which is out of production and cannot be had anywhere at all.

The company, Dowman, is English, so after coming up empty-handed on Amazon and eBay here, I hopped the pond and searched toy stores all over the U.K.  Completely in vain; many had it listed but they were all "not in stock, click here to be notified when Hell freezes over because then maybe we'll have some more of them on the shelf."

I got excited when I finally found one on Amazon.uk from a third-party seller that claimed to have three of them.  I ordered; I paid.  I got an e-mail almost instantly refunding my money.

There ensued a conversation that went something like this:  I wrote asking what the fuck, and they replied you have messages turned off and we tried to let you know, and I replied whatever but why can't I have the aardvark, and they replied it turned out they had one aardvark left and it had proven defective, and I replied in what manner was it defective, and they replied a thread had come loose along one of the seams, and I replied would they sell it to me anyway because so what, and they replied they were not in the habit of dispatching defective merchandise.

And that's where it stopped, because I couldn't think of a retort that wasn't "fuck the spavined nag you rode in on, you know one of you wants it for himself, because otherwise what are you going to do with an unraveled special-needs aardvark, when I'm offering to buy it anyway and sew it back up, you assholes one and all?"

My annoyance at being toyed with only fueled my search.  And that's when I found one on eBay in France.  I don't speak French at all, at all, so watching me squint and mouth the words while trying to read the listing, which they do not offer to translate into other languages unless the part offering to translate it was also in French, would have been pretty comical.  But the aardvark was real, and existed, and I won the auction and paid them some money and got a shipping notice.

So began the trek of the international jet-setting Aardvark of Mystery.  There were global shipping centers and dispatchers and multiple arrivals and departures in various exotic locations that aren't between France and here.  This is a well-traveled, cosmopolitan, multilingual, imported aardvark*.  

[*Dear Andy: I just employed an Oxford comma, but this in no way, express or implied, represents a reversal of my position on the matter.  I maintain the Oxford comma is for people who cannot be trusted in matters of discerning context.  So just don't, okay?  Thanks.]

I didn't let Sunovion Pharmaceuticals know that I'm onto them about the Lunesta aardvarks and have taken matters into my own hands.  I did tell Walter he doesn't get to follow me around any more, but he just shrugged and walked off.  I think he's more upset than he's letting on.

Jacques arrived today.  He's posing in this pic with No-Name Dog.  No-Name Dog was a stuffie that I had as a toddler, and I honestly have no memory of what happened to his real ears, and suspect a neighbor's dog was involved there, but I felt sorry for him and came into the house carrying him with tears running down my face and said, "Puppy can't hear!"  My mother sewed him some new ears out of scrap cloth and attached them so I would calm down.  I was satisfied.  I think they're kind of groovy, those black flowery ears.  No-Name Dog is showing Jacques around the place.

My aardvark dreams tonight are going to be out of this world.


  1. That is a cute aardvark. The Raggedy Ann doll I adopted this month I found on Amazon, making for a very short anecdote.

  2. Mr Justice CocklecarrotJune 27, 2018 at 9:03 PM

    I should think you would have named him Andre. Or Aandre. But who am I to be naming aardvarks? I'm just a fictional character.

  3. My condolences vis a vis your surname, sir. Notwithstanding, it is certainly a unique sobriquet, and as such, enabled me to perform research more than sufficient to enable theft of your identity - were that my purpose - and to learn in said process that you are in possession of a computer named Andre. Many would question your motives in suggesting the name for an aardvark, especially in light of your predilection for applying it to objects resembling and symbolizing animate objects in absolutely no way whatsoever. Again, your aim appears to reflect mental imbalance and the narrowing of your worldview, such that only a single title shines forth as acceptable. I pity you, sir, and regret that I cannot entertain your suggestion. The best to you and your assonant tendencies. Lille

  4. Cuuute. I also like the dog with the patterned ears.