April 26, 2018


There's another animal that balls up in self-defense.  Okay, turtles don't ball up.  Whatever.

P.J. got me a Folkmanis hedgie puppet for my birthday.  She and my son watched me open it and experienced some minor hearing loss when I squealed in soprano at the sight of it.  It is unbearably cute.  I put my hand inside the puppet.

P.J.:  "You can move its little arms and face.  I might have performed quality control before boxing it up for you.  You know, just to ensure it was all right and stuff."

Me:  *wiggles fingers around*  "Huh.  I can't find any holes.  Nope, still can't.  Maybe ... no, nothing there either."

Kid:  "Here, let me try."  *grabs it from me in a rash display of lack of survival instinct*  "... I can't find them, either.  There aren't any arm holes."

P.J.  "I know there are holes for the hands.  And nose.  I was using them.  For quality control.  Strictly.  There are holes."  *grabs the puppet from the kid* "... See?"  *wiggles ohmygodsofuckingcutelittle hands and nose around*

Kid:  *grabs puppet and inspects it, at which point I'm feeling possessive and want the puppet back*  "Oh, there are two holes in the bottom for your hand.  One does nothing and one has the arm holes to control it.  Hey, cool!  Watch this."

Me:  "GIVE ME BACK MY HEDGIE!"  *kid hands puppet back with fear and respect*  "Okay, he's right, it does.  Why does he have two holes?"

Kid:  "Did you just assume that hedgehog's gender?  Obviously female.  Two holes."

P.J.:  "Oh my god, and you didn't even use lube!"

Kid:  "Well ... maybe she likes it rough."

Me:  "It's a he!  God damn it.  He.  His name is Peter."

Kid:  "Weirdest name for a female hedgehog I've ever heard."

Me:  "Shut the fuck up.  Anyway, it's like one of those generic Xbox names.  LubricatedHedgehog87370."

Kid:  "'LubedHedgehog87370 has entered the game.'"

*gut-splitting laughter seizes all three of us*

P.J.:  "Um, anybody notice the tag that says 'turn me inside out here' sticking out of the second hole?"

Kid:  "Damn, she really does like it rough!"

Me:  "He."

P.J.:  *grabs puppet again and uses back pouch to turn him inside out, so he holes up protectively into a ball of hedgie fur that is so adorable I can't even stand it*

Kid:  "Oh."

Me:  "Oh."

P.J.:  "Oh."

Me:  "I thought you did quality control."

Peter came to work with me today.  I slept with him last night, along with Monkey and Sealy, so there's getting to be quite a brood and at some point we're going to have to get organized.

My dragon-game friends also snuck around and somehow found the umbrella with the sunshine and blue, clouded sky. This was not available anywhere in the known Universe, and I know that because I spent seventy-five hours looking for one so I could use the picture for that blog post instead of a shitty piece of chopped steak, but it just didn't exist.  Anywhere.  At all.  They must have access to a wormhole in space.  This leads to the socially awkward situation of wanting to ask them for all kinds of other things that don't actually exist, since they have a wormhole, but then that's kind of rude.  I think.  Is it rude?

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