January 10, 2018

real water

Skeptical Dog is skeptical
I seem to have come into possession of a bottle of water - probably because I was thirsty and it was just sitting there and I decided to liberate it - that advertises itself as "Real Water!"  It goes on to claim "proprietary E2 electron technology ... infused with negative ions ... Transform yourself with REAL WATER!  Unleash the power of negative ions!  Experience the power of alkalinity!  Hydrate like never before!"

Yeah, I'm busting on a name brand product.  Sue me.  But hack in and look at my modest bank account before you do.  Seriously.  I don't even order chips and a drink when I buy a sandwich.


I'm scanning the label to see if it also claims to be gluten- and cholesterol-free, organic, and artisan.


The term "ionized water" is meaningless.  I took chemistry.  So did you.  Two parts per billion is the tolerance of unassociated charged H and O particles in water, people.  


Oh!  Look!  I just found something while scanning the label.  "No Nutritional Claims Made."  Huh.  Imagine that.


And don't get me started on raw water


I want to send the company a photo of me filling their bottle up at the tap in our break room.


I have a business administration degree, which is a fancy way of saying I took accounting (yawn) and communication (whatever) and Microsoft Office product (snore) and marketing (fingernails on chalkboard) classes.  Every marketing class I took drove another nail into the coffin of my ever wanting to go into the private sector in any form.  I hated it, and then hated it even more.  It was the only degree program available at my local university via night school for grown-ups (who weren't).  By the time I graduated, I was prepared to go on and get my MBA by writing a thesis on how marketing was a terrible, destructive force in the world and destined to corrupt humanity, but I decided against it in the end.  I went to seminary instead.  For a week. 


I've worked in the public sector ever since.  I adore it.


I've never once used my business degree.  I've worked in law.  I've worked in education.  Now I work in technology.  I get great kicks out of taking apart a laptop and having the parts all over my dining room table, and slightly less-than-great kicks out of putting it back together.  For some reason, the laptop always works afterward.  I can replace my kid's phone screen when it cracks.  I have this knack that some of my more ethereal-minded co-workers have called an "aura" when it comes to computers.  I show up and I really do think the machines are afraid of me, because suddenly, whatever it was starts working properly.  (That, Mr. Adams, is why Alice is my hero.)  And if it's a problem I've never encountered before, I just start clicking on shit and figure it out somehow, via magic or maybe some completely unconscious section of my brain that probably wears a cloak and rubs its hands together and moves about in shadowed alleyways.  


That isn't to say that getting the degree wasn't worthwhile.  You just never know where a thing will lead, even if it repels you, ironically, in the right direction.  I look at my teenage son and realize I have no right to push him terribly hard regarding what he wants to do with his life.  I didn't figure mine out until 30.  Some people know early and stick with it, and have richer lives because of it.  And some people change mid-stream at some point, and have richer lives because of it.  Caveat:  No, you may not be a video game programmer, kid.  There will be 800 million kids who want to do the same thing and 147 jobs available.  Odds, not so good.


Oh, and don't go into marketing.


(Know what heaps coals on my head?  He's good at marketing.  He can sell anything, convincingly.  And he can argue with a brick wall, and the wall will rub its chin and concede that he has a point.  He's going to be in speech and debate class next semester, and I think he's going to refuse to leave in June when it's over.)  


Hey, John!  This blueberry coffee is actually pretty damned good.  Made with natural and artificial flavors!


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